How Atariology Became the Dominant Religion
OCTOBER 23, 2005 - Manifesto Night - 120
Atariology manifestos written in English and French are posted in
downtown Geneva, Switzerland. The Manifesto states the beliefs of
followers of Atariology.
2007 - The Church of
Atariology posts the offical Atariology web-page. JJ Walker, the
Founder of Atariology, finances the struggling religion on his
own.
October 2011 - JJ Walker gives a series of interviews with Larry King, Jay Leno, and Jimmy
Kimmel. In the Jimmy Kimmel interview, JJ Walker appears to have had a spectacularly bad hair day.
The embarrassment becomes a source of endless speculation in the tabloids and mimicry on YouTube.
February 2012 - Britney
Spears converts to Atariology. Her conversion inspires Madonna to
convert from Kabbalah to Atariology as well.
October 2012 - Victoria Beckham converts to
Atariology. The web-media sites compare Atariology to
Scientology, albeit favorably. The Church of Atariology becomes
iconic, controversial, and the new religion of the stars.
June 2013 - Newsweek publishes the first in a series of well-received articles
about JJ Walker and Atariology.
December 2013 - Atari sues the Church of Atariology for copyright infringement.
October 2014 - The Church of Atariology publishes the first volume of the
New York Times Best-Seller, 'How Atariology Became the Dominant Religion'.
April 2015 - The American-British journalist, Chistopher Hitchens, releases his criticism of
Atariology in a book called How Atariology Sold Out.
June 2016 - The Church of Atariology settles with Atari Corporation, and purchases
the company in order to develop a perfect simulation.
October 2016 - The Church of Atariology publishes the second volume of
'How Atariology Became the Dominant Religion'.
2018 - The second cold war ends in a grand chess match between Gary Kasparov and a lifelike
simulation of Bobby Fischer, developed by the Church of Atariology. The US concedes that Bobby Fischer
was indeed a jerk
2020 - 'Release Day' - the 1st of December each year - becomes the first
legally recognized Atariology holiday. It celebrates the annual winter birth of
new games and game consoles. Arcades become popular again.
2030 - Nearing bankruptcy after spending over a decade in the pursuit of a perfect simulation, The Church of Atariology
finally releases the first 'near'-perfect simulation called 'Bicycle'. The purpose of the game is to ride a bicycle through cities and crowded sidewalks. The sensation of the game is so realistic that several people go into seizures after playing, forcing an abrupt recall of the game. The recall eventually forces the Church of Atariology into bankruptcy.
2032 - Donald Trump dies from Leukemia at the age of 86, despite having invested hundreds of millions in search of a cancer cure since diagnosis in 2020. Disappointed by the darth of explanations about death offered by the traditional religious establishment, Trump changes his will to give 1 billion dollars to the Church of Atariology upon his death.
2500 - After numerous splinters, wars, political
intrigue, and long bouts of financial uncertainty, the number of
members in the Church of Atariology exceeds 3 billion. This
number consists of roughly 40% of the earth's human population. Buddhists, Muslims, and Christians make up 30%; aetheists and agonostics make up the remaining 30%. Hinduism dies out by 2400 AD, thanks to mass conversions of Hindus to a mystical form of Atariology known as 'Karmology'.